Sat out this evening on my porch, shorts, t-shirt, and sandals on with my little cooler an a dozen beers cold as hell.
And the grill.
Okay, if you are a male and cannot cook over an open flame, just … just consider your testicles revoked. You have not got a hair on your ass. Flame, animal flesh, and alcohol. If you ain’t down wid it, just go buy some lace or something. Tie a ribbon in your hair.
Fucking pussy.
Anyway, if you are struggling with this, but the coals call to you, fear not. Your Uncle Gonz is here to help you out.
The basic is the Hamburger.
I have a simple theory about burgers. First, the meat is the star of the show. If you have bad meat, you can do nothing to make it good. You can hide it to a certain extent, but you will have a slop burger.
Second: The bun is a delivery system for the patty. If you have a marshmallow textured, dry-as-a-goddamn -popcorn fart bun, it will disintegrate. Might as well put it on your plate and eat it with a fork.
The very last thing is the toppings. Put what you want on it, but if you use second rate toppings, you will have a second rate sandwich. I’m a traditionalist - thick cut slab bacon, Claussen Pickles, Red onions, Romaine lettuce, and ripened on the vine tomatoes. YMMV. There is a difference between a Generic Processed American Cheese Food slice and sliced Cheddar.
Just keep it in mind. You like mushrooms? Fine - if you get them out of a can, they will taste like it. Or you can take them time to do it right. Your call.
(Smack!) Put that down. The grill.
Charcoal. Nothing else comes close.
A gas grill is a flame, and beats a frying pan, but give me a charcoal grill and I will not only take on a throwdown with Bobby Flay and him on gas, I will fuck him up like a soup sandwich.
I use a mixture of Kingsford briquettes and chunk charcoal - the briquettes for a base and to start it, and the chunks to get that searing heat. I have a barrel grill (Image Here) that I use for everything but my big gatherings. I start my charcoal with a chimney - BUT -
Okay, serious purists will complain that “charcoal lighter makes it taste like kerosene!” Bullshit. Matchlight type briquettes certainly will. Otherwise, only if you marinate the fucking charcoal in lighter fluid and/or don’t let it burn off properly is this true. I use a chimney solely because I am a cheap bastard, and in fact I start it over the propane burner I use for outdoor boiling, etc. Start it how you like, and if someone bitches, ask them “Who is fucking this pig, anyway?” Then invite them to have a steaming cup of STFU. Self-important, prissy assed, know it all rat bastards.
The important thing is to have a good layer of ash over the coals, and it should be blistering hot. You put your hand about an inch or two over the grill, and you should want to snatch your hand away and you should smell sizzling hair. I got my coals arranged good and deep over 2/3 of the grill, and the remaining third I just scatter a few as a cold section.
That’s an advanced topic, dummy. Not important now. These pups ain’t going to be on long enough to worry about it. Pay attention.
One final thing - cook on the grill or you’re a fucking pussy. Put foil over it and you might as well cook in a goddamn frying pan. Only women and liberals refuse to cook over the grate and the coals. If you’re a man, XX chromosomes don’t touch your grill. This is MAN territory, goddamn it! Just clean the damn thing. Clean it before you cook, and clean it after you cook. The screaming heat will sterilize it, ya big candy-ass. Oh - and keep your grill clean. The next morning, I am dumping the ash. You don’t have to, just don’t come whining at me when it eats through the grill and rusts it out.
Okay. The meat. I won’t go into toppings - like I said, use bullshit toppings and you will have a bullshit burger. First rate toppings, whatever your preference.
I make my burger in one pound increments.
Yes, I make my burger. I grind it. I take actual cuts of meat - no less than USDA Choice - and pulse it up in a food processor or run it through a grinder. I take one part of chuck with the gristle carefully removed, one part of sirloin, untrimmed, and one part of - whatever. Tonight I used Bison. I often include lamb, venison, or tenderloin. I am looking for a 20 to 25 percent fat content; I have been known to add jowl (bacon) to bring it up if I have very lean cuts. You want the fat in there. This meat has been cut into about inch to inch and a half cubes, and marinated - slightly - in Stubb’s Beef or Steakhouse marinate. And by slightly, I mean put the cubes in a bowl, drizzle some on, toss, and repeat until well coated. Do not overdo it. It is an accent, not a flavoring agent. I then put it in a vacuum bag and marinate for a couple hours.
Couple tips - the leaner the meat, the lower the fat. Venison. Top Sirloin. Tenderloin. And keep in mind lamb fat can be bitter, so trim it. Chuck is plenty fatty, and if you have a real lean meat, use some rib-eye instead of sirloin. Red Meats go in burgers. Red meat is not bad for you. Green fuzzy meat is bad for you. White meats and poultry - for pussies. Tofu? Only if you are putting semen on your burger. Homo.
THEN I grind it. About 5 - 10 pulses in your food processor - no more then yours will handle, mine is big and will do a pound and a half. Most will only do half that. If I use my table grinder, I set it for “Chili Meat” grind - coarse. A fine grind is fucking pate. You’re not making meatloaf.
Patty it up. Mine are 10 oz before cooking. I also use an onion kaiser roll I get at my nearby bakery.
When they are pattied up, I put salt and pepper on them. Koshering salt and fresh ground pepper, please. Use crap, you get crap. Cover and leave out while you get the grill ready. Like a steak, around room temperature before you cook them.
When my grill is roaring, I will take some oil on a paper towel and with my long tongs oil the grill grate. This helps them not stick. Open a beer, take a swig, and start putting them on.
About 3 to four minutes per side is all I need. I go for medium burgers - I like my steak rare to medium rare, but medium for burger. Cook yours how you like, but remember you have a coarse ground, so the rarer it is, the more it may fall apart. You have ground this yourself, remember. So you don’t have to worry about salmonella, unless you are tatterdemalion kitchen scum. Shame on you, then, fratboy.
Two rules:
1) You flip it once. You flip with a spatula. You don’t stick it with forks or anything.
2) You do not press it.
Now the whole reason for the second rule is that most people like their burgers to be flat - they hold toppings better that way. Problem is, when meat cooks it contracts - the flat patty you shaped may wind up resembling a meat ball. So - amateurs press.
And get dry burgers. Pay attention, young Jedi.
It is all in how you shape the burger. I depress mine slightly in the center, then run my pinkie finger through the very middle. That way, when the meat contracts - well, it has somewhere to contract TO. So when people dress mine up, the toppings aren’t sliding all over Hell.
I like my buns toasted, and since I find mayo to be vile, I put a piece of lettuce on the bun heel as a barrier to the juice, then the burger, and build up from there.
Serve with your choice of sides. Pixie crinkles, deep fried, is my choice. And a beer, and a fat garlicky pickle.
If you want to do franks as well, use Nathan’s. With the casing. Just score the ends with a couple shallow X’s to keep them from busting. I get mine hot on the warming rack in my grill, then get that scorch on them down on the main heat. I like poppy-seed buns for them. Again, top as you like - mine is onions, dill relish, and saurkraut with the seeds.
Welcome to grilling season! Be a man! Flame! Alcohol! Seared animal flesh!