I went out to eat last night with a lady friend and while the food was good - the service sucked.  The restaurant was not that busy, and it took forever for the waiter to get to take drink orders, they sat on the bar for 15 minutes while he fucked around, until I sent another server to retrieve them, a wait to take orders, curt and snotty attitude, and I finally had to go to the cash register to get my ticket printed.  Even that “Your server will bring it by in a minute….”  No.  We’ve waited a half hour.  And tried to flag him twice.  Check me out now, but either way we are going.

Needless to say, I turned in a comment card detailing his sins, and a tip of zero.  A big fucking goose egg.

I will probably hear from a load of waters and waitresses about how, no matter how bad the service, I should never leave nothing, how servers depend on the money, yadda yadda yadda.  Well, I respectfully disagree.

Your tip is dependant on your service - and be warned that if there is a “service charge” or “Minimum Gratuity” included in the bill, your bar gets raised.

10% - that is what I give if the service is mediocre, borderline incompetant, but you didn’t manage to ruin my meal.

It’s a “D.”  You barely pass.

15% is what I give for competent, average service.  That’s a “C.”

Go above and beyond?  A cup of coffee in a to go cup?  Anticipating my needs at every turn?  Never having to flag you down for a refill  (Maybe not never - I will cut you slack if it is a rush.)?  Always pleasant?  That’s a “B.”  Gets you 20%.  Maybe 25% for “B+” service.

As far as an “A” goes, I once tipped $2500 on a $2000 meal.  In cash.  So I don’t want to hear about what a skinflint I am, or how I “cheated” the waiter last night.  I am, in fact, extremely generous.  I’m just offended by the sense of entitlement exhibited by some in the profession that they can be MIA in doing their job, and still expect me to pay them a tip.  And yes, I know all about tip pooling, tip-outs, and that you get taxed on a percentage of your tickets.  What you are getting with a tip is a merit-based commission.  So if one expects to get “paid” a tip for not doing your job, what you’re actually saying is you want something for nothing, ad it just doesn’t work that way.

You have case to bitch if you do your job and get stiffed.  Stiff me, and it’s just the law of consequences coming down on you.  Have a cup of STFU to go with the coffeepot you carried by my table three times without refilling me.

Your job, at minimum, is not to be an unpleasant and surly fuck, to not ruin my eating experience, to nt make me chase you down.  That means, in a reasonably prompt manner coming by to introduce yourself and give us/me water, to take drink orders, to refill - or offer to refill - drinks, coffee, etc., and to bring my bill - discretely.  I don’t want to discuss politics, religion, or sex with you (Well, unless you’re a hot waitress, and the discussion is having sex with ME.)  You can be conversational - even familiar - without being a chatterbox.

The wait team at the $2500 tip incident - holy crap.  There were times I found my drinks filled and my silverware and napkin replaced, and never even saw it done, they were that badass.  Always there - never obtrusive.

I understand busy.  But if you are hitting on the hostess while my food gets cold, or chattering with your friends at a table while I am waiting on something - that’s bullshit.

Don’t be surly. (Unless you are working at Dick’s Last Resort.  Then I expect demand it.)

It’s not really that difficult.  If you are an unpleasant person, or make me wait while you fuck around, you fail.  Do one, and you are really going to have to kick up the other to get anything.  If you are really lucky, I will just ask the manager to seat us in another waiter or waitress’s section. (This may not be lucky, come to think of it, if this is a habit of yours).

And I understand that not all things are your fault.  You can’t see that the cook overdid my steak - unless, of course, you carelessly pick it up with the big “Medium Well” tab on it, when I ordered it “Rare.”  If the meal is wrong, and you’re my advocate - bonus.  I had one waitress get the charges for my meal dropped entirely because the food sucked.  Guess what?  She got the whole amount of the bill as her tip.  What percentage of a zero is $67 as a tip?

But for shitty service with a bad attitude?  What makes you think you can not do your job, and get paid for it?  I don’t pay the counter staff at Burger King a tip, and if you make my experience like that - that is what you get.